On a roll

Sometimes its hard to ponder life without trying to get all deeply philosophical and self-analytical.

I come from a very small family. That's one of the drawbacks to having parents who are older from the start. When I was born, mom was nearly 40 and dad was nearly 50. All of my grandparents were born in the ninteenth century. My mom was an only child and my dad had one brother. In a time where many children was the norm, I end up in a family who are the poster children for the Negative Population Growth society. My parents produced three children: me, Jim, and Sue. Jim died in 1986 without any kids. I'm 38 and still kidless (of my own; I still consider Michael my son even though Jeanelle and I are divorced). Sue has kept the genetic fires burning with Mitchell and McKenzie.

From my earliest memories, I was told how it was up to me to keep the Topping name alive. My dad's brother only had a daughter and my great uncle Arthur never had any children of his own. There was a chance that my brother would get married and have kids but because of his medical problems it was unlikely. That left me as the "man". The carrier of The Name. No pressure, either, right? Right.

Anyway, so I start out in life with little doubt that I'd have kids eventually. I was a slow starter in the marriage biz but I was still in my early thirties and my wife was still in her early thirties and she had a son from a previous marriage, so it shouldn't be a problem, right? Right.

Suddenly I find myself in a position I didn't plan on: Being in my late thirties and kidless and wifeless. So now I think about the possibility of not having kids. And it gnaws at me. Continually. I WANT kids. I WANT to be a dad. It isn't even about carrying on the name, though that's a nice bonus as I'm very proud of who I am and of my history. But I don't have kids and I don't know if I will. I'm not getting any younger and I don't find many 25 year old women wanting to throw themselves at a man who's closer to middle age than to college age.

I've had two offers, one quite serious, from friends who are willing to be a surrogate mom for me to help me be a dad. Obviously it's a possibility but I would first very much love to try to have kids (and a family) in the more traditional way.

Lest ye think this is one of those angst-ridden "oh, woe is me" posts, it isn't. It's just that I'm suddenly wondering what I'll do if I don't get to do the thing I've been planning on doing for most of my life. There's also a certain loneliness factor there, too, like just totally ending up alone but I don't really think that'll happen. I have too many friends.

Man, that muse returned with a vengeance!!