One wonders what lies ahead

It's the new year and I remain vaguely disconcerted. I'm not entirely sure what I want out of life but I grow more confident each day that passes that it isn't to be a systems administrator forever. I mean, I like what I do for the most part but I don't like that there isn't a reward to what I do in the end. Usually, it's a case of, "Thanks for fixing that problem for me. Here's another one while you're here". If there's no computers going wonky, I'm invisible. If there are, I'm on the hot seat. It is neither rewarding nor satisfying.

Heather continues to provide inspiration for me. She quit her job in early December in order to concentrate on getting her candle-making business (Heather's Illuminables) off the ground. She didn't have any alternate employment lined up, yet she did it anyway. Now she's working as a receptionist at a church only a ten minute drive away (compared to an hour plus drive at her previous job) and has time to concentrate on that which is important to her. The difference between she and I in this case that prevents me from following him her path is that she has no outstanding bills (car payment, student loans, etc.) whereas I do.

While I don't necessarily want to enter the exciting world of candle-making and selling, I want to do something creative. I want to work with my mind. I keep on talking about getting a Ph.D. and then doing nothing about it. I can do it. I can get the degree. But am I motivated enough about it? There are days where I am and days where I'm not. Today, clearly, is a day where I am. I just have to make sure that the days I am motivated are greatly outnumbering the days where I'm not.

Taking a look at the current and past UM job postings gives me further impetus to pursue this. There are positions that I can fill at all three campuses. I don't mind a long drive if it's to a job I like. But even a walk across the street can be torture to get to a job I don't like. There are at least thirteen institutions of higher learning, both at the four-year and community college level, within an hour's drive of me where I can teach and do research.

I guess what it boils down to is making decisions. Preparing for change. The signs have been there for a while but I have to let myself see them.

I've been reading a lot of Stephen E. Ambrose's work recently. Today, while reading The Victors I came across the follow quote that's kind of sticking with me:

[Talking about his sophomore year at college] Also that year, I took a course entitled "Representative Americans" taught by Professor William B. Hesseltine. In his first lecture he announced that in this course we would not be writing term papers that summarized the conclusions of three or four books; instead, we would be doing original research on nineteenth-century Wisconsin politicians, professional and business leaders, for the purpose of putting together a dictionary of Wisconsin biography that would be deposited in the state historical society. We would, Hesseltine told us, be contributing to the world's knowledge.

The words caught me up. I had never imagined I could do such a thing as contribute to the world's knowledge. Forty five years later, the phrase continues to resonate with me. It changed my life. At the conclusion of the lecture -- on George Washington -- I went up to him and asked how I could do what he did for a living. He laughed and said to stick around, he would show me. I went straight to the registrar's office and changed my major from premed to history. I have been at it ever since.

One of two signs that came flashing into my face today. The other was from, of all people, Christopher Lowell. He's the interior designer on The Discovery Channel. I hope to find the little epilogue he did for his show today.

This Ambrose quote embodies the kind of excitement I want to have about my job. Where I can contribute to the world's knowledge.